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Christa
Semecky remembers spending much of her college career pent up a dorm
room, living in fear. “I
did nothing but go to class, go to the dining hall and go home. I
never left campus and just rented movies for myself on weekends,”
Semecky, a graduate of University of Rhode Island, Kingston, RI,
says grimly. “Grim”
because Semecky, 22, and her parents never came to an understanding
about the changes that any of them would go through while she
attended college. The Money Card
It’s
not all that uncommon – many students are fortunate enough to have
their parents offer to pay for college.
Some allow their children to live at school.
Either way, it’s difficult for many college students to be
independent and grow because mom and dad determine their collegiate
career via funding. In
many cases, parents rightfully set down a few “rules” before
releasing the bucks. But
many students and their parents have different ideas about what
these rules should be. Although
some students feel comfortable speaking up to their parents, there
are still more that do not. In
Semecky’s case, she did not speak up until the four years passed
her by. When she did,
she said it still did not help; so she’s biting her tongue until
she can find a place of her own. “They
don’t know the first thing about me, nor do I think they really
care to Jenny
Meyer craved independence while she was living at home and attending
Webster University, St. Louis, MO.
Although she had a decent relationship with her parents, she
was still subject to their authority. “That
took away a huge chunk of my freedom,” recalls the 27-year-old.
“I still had curfews and still had to report my comings and
goings.” Graduation
came and went, and finally, Meyer was able to get her own place.
Financial constraints, however, still force her to rely on
her folks intermittently for support. But
now more than ever, Meyer understands and respects where her parents
are coming from and believes other students can have success by
doing the same. “It's
very easy to eat dinner at mom and dad's every night of the week and
to use their washer and dryer for free laundry services, but it's
not fair,” Meyer admits. “Part
of being a grown-up is fun but you have to take the good with the
bad.” Under the ‘Rents
Roof
Obviously,
it is hard to be independent while you’re under your parent’s
roof. They’re always
there – they notice when you come in late, they see the people you
hang out with, and they know when you aren’t studying.
For many students, a life on campus is the best way to break
ties with their parents. In
fact, numerous students report that this actually helps their family
relationships. Annie
Byington graduated from Ripon College, Ripon, WI, three years ago
and recalls having to move out during school in order to maintain
peace with her father, who raised her as a single parent.
She says he didn’t approve of the people she associated
with and is still not supportive of the job she has.
“In
the past, I had lived in a state of constant anxiety because of his
attitude towards my life. But
since the break from him, I have felt that lifted and am really
enjoying taking control of my future,” adds the 25-year-old.
Since she made the break, stress on the father-daughter
relationship has decreased. The
downside – he isn’t involved in many aspects of her life.
“I
don't recommend that everyone make such a strong break from their
family, but I do believe that it is the right decision in some
cases,” Byington noted. But
up-and-leaving isn’t so easy for a majority of college students.
So taking time to make peace at home is warranted.
Dori
Schneer, a senior at Kean University, Union, NJ, knows she is lucky
because her parents have let her make her own choices.
But they did set down one rule that the 22-year-old respects
and adheres to. “My
parents are only paying for four years,” Schneer says.
“Anything past that I have to pay for. But besides that,
they let me do and be what I want.” She
advises students to build trust with their parents by getting
involved in reputable activities at in and outside of school. Schneer, and active member of Circle K International, says
her community service involvement in the club also showed her
parents that giving her independence kept her on track. “Now
they brag about me because of all the stuff I’m doing,” Schneer
jokes. Instead of vying
for control, Schneer believes that the combination of her parents’
understanding and her efforts to stay on track at school have made
family relations strong.
Talking It Out According
to Alex Robbins, co-author of Quarterlife Crisis: The Unique The
first thing Robbins suggests is that both parties sit down and have
a discussion that includes time for both sides to express their
needs. In addition,
they should try to understand where their parents are coming from,
and listen to their advice. “If
they feel like their input really matters, they will be more likely
to listen in return,” says Robbins, adding that the talk will
prepare parents to deal with decisions students make in the future. “Keep
them in the loop,” adds Robbins.
She also encourages students to maintain communication during
college, and said that many of the students interviewed for her book
wanted their parents to be a part of their lives – but wanted the
freedom to make their own choices, and mistakes. But
when both parties can’t see eye-to-eye, Robbins said that students
still have a few options. For
instance, if taking a job that is not in a student’s desired
degree field will give him or her the money to move out, it should
be considered. Regardless
of how students and parents decide to battle out this age-old
debate, Robbins cautions students to remember that they’re not
alone when it comes to growing up – and that most parents are not
out to make their lives miserable.
“Your
parents are trying to deal with this same limbo you’re in at the
same time as you are,” Robbins says.
“And they’re freaking out, too.” Copyright
2003::College Bound Magazine |
